When my mind wanders…

Yesterday, I read something inspiring. I’m the type that likes to search for the meaning of life; to find my purpose. We’re all different. We keep telling each other that no one’s the same. I never looked into it, just accepted and ignored this saying. I moved on with my life, hearing “we’re all different” constantly. People keep telling me I’m different. I’m odd; just a bit off-beat in a tune.

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I tend to repeat myself. I tend to preach about what I absolutely must do; as if I had a definite answer to where my life should lead, as if I had a clear path ahead of me.

I don’t. I’m saying this now because I’m honestly not sure… I never was. I lied to myself.

I live in the future. Goal-oriented. I’ve met certain goals –– unimportant ones. The consequences of careless decisions I’ve made has bound me in many ways. I look at the bigger picture and tend to ignore the fine details that make me different. People that have known me for so long, know I take long strides at a face pace, without looking back. I’ve lived carelessly because I had no sense of direction.

I breezed through high school living in the spur of the moment. I took that habit of mine to college and chose a major I made myself believe was right for me. Yes, I enjoyed the experience and it’s definitely one of my interests, but it wasn’t me. I was shadowing someone else’s footsteps. Before I withdrew from that major due to financial status, I convinced myself that I wouldn’t get into a career with black and white decision-making, restrictions, hard facts, concrete details, etc. I was never fond of it.

I made it my last resort… and it happened. Another careless decision and I swore to myself that I would finish there (in hopes of saving up enough to graduate in something I actually want to pursue).

My other issue was that even though I was rushing through this accelerated program, I never figured out what I actually wanted to pursue after this program. Eventually I gave in, I let it happen all over again. I made myself believe that I wanted to pursue this major.

My limit was reached. It took months of sleepless nights of care plans, presentations about numbers, medications, red flag symptoms, contraindications, etc. for me to finally realize that I had to put an end to this. I had to stop lying to myself and to everyone else. I was afraid of staying idle so I kept jumping from one school to another.

My indecisiveness took me into a spiral of bad decisions that I couldn’t take back…

Careless. I’ve never felt so much smaller… I withdrew from that school and I was a pitiful mess during the winter holidays of ’12 before I started school again in the Spring of this year. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________

I finished this short program and have a job with flexible hours. A job. I don’t consider this as my career of choice. I’m set to graduate in Spring of ’14. But…

There’s something missing.

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It took me so long to figure out because it wasn’t an ideal choice to make (opinions of others).

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I was listening to Birdy’s cover of Shelter and it was quiet here. I had my coffee at hand as  I was browsing through Pinterest when I came across this quote. What happened moments after was the most strangest feeling. It was a familiar feeling.

For some reason I felt this surge of bliss run through me. I was inspired to write again.

I never mentioned that I had took an interest in writing to anyone. It took a few minutes to let that quote sink in. I reminisced and let my mind wander back to those days in high school when I was in my English classes. I remember scribbling small notes here and there, writing quotes on my binders whenever I spaced out in my other classes.

Throughout those years (in both middle school and high school), I remember being praised for my “skills” in writing. I’m not an amazing writer, but it was good enough.

“You have such a way with words I can’t describe.”

-11th grade English teacher

I’ll never forget the look on his face when he went through my final project. I was confused with his expression at the time. He looked surprised, almost mesmerized, from where I was sitting.

I didn’t think much of this and I moved on. I eventually went another direction and followed someone else’s footsteps.

When I was in college (during my last resort major years), I basically lived a repetitive lifestyle for 2 years. I felt restricted. I remember during the Winter ’11, my favorite season, it was a light semester and it was during my 2 1/2 weeks of break… I started writing.

I’m a morning person so I enjoyed the cold weather, drinking my coffee in the living room; taking in the environment and feeling so relaxed. I didn’t have to worry about class for a  2 1/2 weeks!

The first morning of winter break, I woke up early for some reason and I couldn’t go back to sleep so I listened to music.

I spent that early morning reading and was inspired to start writing again because of this anonymous writer. It was 5AM in the morning. I did not stop writing until 11PM at night. My parents were not too fond of it. They didn’t know I was writing. They thought I was just wasting time online. At the time, I didn’t feel the need to explain myself. I was in a rush to get all my ideas down. I felt pressed for time, but I was really happy~

I miss writing. I miss taking English classes.

I’ll stop here.

I’ve told 3 people about this and they were bewildered. I was somewhat glad I wasn’t bombarded with questions, but they understood I was struggling with myself for a very long time. I’ve left out many details and I don’t feel the need to explain myself anymore. I stopped shadowing people’s interests and figured out my own. It took a while to get up to this point and realize what I really want to do with my life. It’s not too late, but I don’t think I should take the plunge for it yet…

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I want to try out this Weekly Writing Challenge. I’ve never participated in such events ~

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/11/04/weekly-writing-challenge-music/

Photos here were taken off google images. I don’t own them.

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13 thoughts on “When my mind wanders…

  1. nurzakialfi4 says:

    Oh my God! your writing is awesome. The words really come together and it touched my soul.
    Keep on writing, I know you can do it! 🙂 Maybe you can write a novel someday ^_^

  2. dreamerrambling says:

    I feel like we are twins haha! I’ve always adored writing, felt different from other people, been focused on the future and made finding meaning my ultimate goal in life. I’m really glad I started blogging and can meet all these wonderful people like you who perhaps just understand me and where I am coming from a little bit more than the rest of society. Great post!

  3. Aussa Lorens says:

    I think you write rather well– I’m glad you’re figuring this out now and pursuing what you really want and think will make you happy. I have been in that middle-of-nowhere place myself… You never stop wanting what you deny yourself, so you may as well just reach out and try to make it happen 🙂

  4. Classy&Fabulous says:

    I think you have so much time ahead of you, that you’ll surely figure it all out. I love Pinterest quote images, and one of my favorite ones of all times is: It is never too late in the day to start your day over.

    • Lani says:

      I’ve seen that quote before and it’s actually one of my favs as well 🙂 I love browsing through their quotes category. So inspiring~

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