I honestly don’t even want to do this right now.
I’m writing to start somewhere. Anywhere to get away from where I’m at. I’ve recently started cognitive behavioral therapy.
I don’t know if it’s because of the amount of work that I have to do that’s really triggering me or if it’s just that I’m mentally drained, that I just don’t seem to care much about anything really these days.
I’m here and I’m not.
Some updates since I’ve been gone is that I’m now engaged and we’re planning our wedding for next year in the summer.
I’ve completely let myself go especially since COVID started. In many ways.
Our wedding was supposed to be this year, but obviously because of COVID, we could not pick out venues. One of the venues we looked at this year had restrictions like: no dancing, no live entertainment, and no visiting each others tables. Yeah, that’s a no.
It is now the halfway point of 2021. Halfway point until God-willing, my wedding and graduation.
Oh yeah… Hoorah… I’m in school again.
I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this before, but I’m trying to get my RN degree now, but the motivation for this term went right out the window as soon as this term started. I had a mental breakdown in May after my Med Surg II final. Whatever energy I had to study for that final, put me out for the whole damn week we had for break before Peds.
Again, I don’t know if it’s because I’m just really overwhelmed with the amount of work we have to do this term or if it’s the weather or if it’s my mental health… just getting worse. It has to be a combination of all three.
These past few weeks since I’ve started therapy has been eye-opening. It’s my first time and at this point, I didn’t care about who I open up to. I’ve been dodging treatment for years on this. I’m guarded, but I’m getting desperate for some solutions to deal with this dark cloud looming over me all the time.
It’s the kind of thoughts that says, “You don’t deserve this kind of happiness that you have.” And… maybe I don’t.
I’ve always had these thoughts about feeling like maybe I’m just being melodramatic. Do I really need help?
PTSD – why haven’t I noticed the signs…? All these years… after inquiring with a hospital and speaking briefly about my situation, it opened a can of worms and I just couldn’t stop talking about what I’ve been through.
It’s been a struggle finding a balance between all these events: nursing school, wedding planning, and my mental health.
.:Lani's Summer in Rain 