Misconceptions of Me
Yesterday, I read something inspiring. I’m the type that likes to search for the meaning of life; to find my purpose. We’re all different. We keep telling each other that no one’s the same. I never looked into it, just accepted and ignored this saying. I moved on with my life, hearing “we’re all different” constantly. People keep telling me I’m different. I’m odd; just a bit off-beat in a tune.
You don’t need to feel good to get going; you need to get going to give yourself a chance at feeling good
Brad S.
I honestly don’t even want to do this right now.
I’m writing to start somewhere. Anywhere to get away from where I’m at. I’ve recently started cognitive behavioral therapy.
I don’t know if it’s because of the amount of work that I have to do that’s really triggering me or if it’s just that I’m mentally drained, that I just don’t seem to care much about anything really these days.
I’m here and I’m not.
Some updates since I’ve been gone is that I’m now engaged and we’re planning our wedding for next year in the summer.
I’ve completely let myself go especially since COVID started. In many ways.
Our wedding was supposed to be this year, but obviously because of COVID, we could not pick out venues. One of the venues we looked at this year had restrictions like: no dancing, no live entertainment, and no visiting each others tables. Yeah, that’s a no.
It is now the halfway point of 2021. Halfway point until God-willing, my wedding and graduation.
Oh yeah… Hoorah… I’m in school again.
I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this before, but I’m trying to get my RN degree now, but the motivation for this term went right out the window as soon as this term started. I had a mental breakdown in May after my Med Surg II final. Whatever energy I had to study for that final, put me out for the whole damn week we had for break before Peds.
Again, I don’t know if it’s because I’m just really overwhelmed with the amount of work we have to do this term or if it’s the weather or if it’s my mental health… just getting worse. It has to be a combination of all three.
These past few weeks since I’ve started therapy has been eye-opening. It’s my first time and at this point, I didn’t care about who I open up to. I’ve been dodging treatment for years on this. I’m guarded, but I’m getting desperate for some solutions to deal with this dark cloud looming over me all the time.
It’s the kind of thoughts that says, “You don’t deserve this kind of happiness that you have.” And… maybe I don’t.
I’ve always had these thoughts about feeling like maybe I’m just being melodramatic. Do I really need help?
PTSD – why haven’t I noticed the signs…? All these years… after inquiring with a hospital and speaking briefly about my situation, it opened a can of worms and I just couldn’t stop talking about what I’ve been through.
It’s been a struggle finding a balance between all these events: nursing school, wedding planning, and my mental health.
I’ve been sick since mid-December with mild congestion. All this time, I’ve just been resting, keeping warm, eating soups, taking a higher dose of my vitamins, etc. I was doing everything to keep me from visiting a doctor. I remember sleeping right through the new year because I was heavily medicated – my symptoms worsened a bit. Again, I still thought that I could handle these symptoms.
It was around this time when I started reading about the deaths that have been occurring due to the flu. I was scared… I have such a weak immune system. I still kept at it. I developed a strong productive cough, moderate congestion, body aches, and headaches.
I remember it happened on a Wednesday, I woke up extremely groggy. Feeling hot with a bad headache. My whole body hurt. I needed to get up to get ready for my fire class. Part of my morning routine was to get my coffee – I need coffee before I do anything to start my day. Not even halfway through my drink, I sat down for a long time, thinking about how “off” I felt. My head felt heavy and I was really struggling with my breathing. I checked my pulse and got a reading of 124 bpm (I was just sitting and I barely had any coffee!) I took an extra strength Tylenol and seriously just waited… waited for it to kick in. I sat for nearly an hour before getting ready.
Why of all times didn’t we have a thermometer? I went straight to CVS and bought all kinds of things, called my boyfriend to keep him informed, and checked my temp as soon as I got in my car. I was at 103.7 F!
I was extremely troubled. I have a new job – not just any job, it’s for the county. Me, being the anxious wreck that I am, I didn’t want to just not show up to this mandatory class. So, I went, but I swear to you, I slept for most of it. We had a test and left early.
Just awful. I was thankful for having a day off the next day. The next 4 days were a struggle, especially at work. Fever went away on Saturday, checked at different times throughout the day. I kept thinking it’s finally over!
On the 14th, I noticed I felt a little warm again – checked my temperature and read 99.7. What… is going on?
Next day, I woke up with some blockage in my throat. As soon as I got up, I felt this extreme pain when I tried to swallow. For some reason I was salivating excessively so I kept swallowing or spitting. Both ways hurt like hell. I went to Kaiser not long after. I was seen in less than 10 minutes! At the end of this visit, I ended up with advice and Ibuprofen 600 mg -____- Of course. So I took the med right away and it was pretty effective, but I still had to deal with this insane discomfort in my throat for the rest of the day. I had soup once and that was it, all day.
Next day, I went to work. Not important. It was horrible. I came home crying to my mom and told her I might have to go back to the hospital again. I told her I was afraid of dying. It hurt so bad, I had only one meal again. Soup and water with my meds. Checked my temperature again, 101.7. Time for bed.
I did not go to work today. I ended up at Kaiser again. I cried on the way, telling my boyfriend that I was extremely frustrated with myself. It was such an awful feeling. My tonsil was so swollen, it occluded part of my airway. It hurt to cough, swallow, and spit. I had cough fits that would make me almost-vomit. I told this new doctor every thing I was going through and what I was doing routinely… how it got worse in a span of 2 days. I was diagnosed with something else. Peritonsillar Abscess. This is basically a collection of pus that spreads beyond your tonsils – a rare complication of tonsillitis or strep throat…
I was immediately hooked up to an IV – Rocephin, Dexamethasone, and NaCl for roughly 3 hours. I was very dehydrated by this point. No food in my body. As soon as I felt that cold rush of liquid in my body, I fell asleep. I’ve never been this sick in my life! I’ve never been hooked to an IV – ever. I was so stubborn and did not take what I was experiencing in the beginning seriously…
I’m finally home, eating normally. I can’t even begin to thank this doctor.
Less stress. Eat less. Less work. Less stress. Eat less. Less work.
This is what constantly runs though my mind before I head to work. I say a little prayer each day – for a hopefully peaceful day.
I’m supposed to be asleep right now because I’ll be charge tomorrow again. I can’t sleep because my mind is not at rest. My body’s aching – tired – sore. My last resort would be to end up taking medication for my anxiety.
This morning I came into work, expecting to do MDS so I came in late… I had a gut feeling the night before that someone would call off. It irked me for the longest time before heading off to bed. When I came in this morning, sure enough… I was told that I’d be charge. Eight hours off MDS – I’m behind again. I also had a no call – no show CNA.
I’m starting to write more. I need to.
People say that the facility I’m working at is such a “chill” place or “so easy”. What makes this place so easy is how many things people get away with. The bosses care up to a certain point. Red flag!
One point I’ll get across is – never admit a loved one into a nursing home!
I believe in what’s right. I try to be fair. I’m an advocate to these people. I want to do things the right way.
I don’t understand how some people pass medications to 40+ patients within 1 hour – sometimes even just 45 minutes
I don’t understand how some people don’t wash their hands
I don’t understand how some people don’t suction
I don’t understand how some people don’t flush Gtubes
I don’t understand how some people sleep on the job!
I don’t understand how some people skip house medications – just go for the important ones
I don’t understand how some people sit around at the station and just use their phone when they could be doing rounds
This is why I’m not fit for a nursing home.
People always ask why I look so stressed. The only thing I can tell them is, “You just don’t understand.”
Only after the third month of working at this facility, I was discouraged. I had very little to no excitement coming to work. I was doing swing shifts for a while. I started and only applied for the morning shift. Back in May, I worked night shifts.
First day in June, I switched back to day shift with a promotion! My previous post contains all the details – minus the small distractions that kept me going for so long. Mind you, I’ve only been in this facility for 6 months, but I’m already absolutely drained!
I have a fixed Tuesday – Saturday schedule now. When charge nurses call off, MDS takes over for that station. I remember when it was almost constant – the call offs. I was falling behind with my work and I would get chewed out for being behind. My coworker and I addressed the issue as to why we’re falling behind. No change. We would do double the amount of work, for the same pay as every charge nurse there.
By this time, July was coming around and I was finishing up a 16 hour shift as a charge nurse… After having a minor breakdown on my day off, I decided to apply for Kaiser and LA County. I wanted to have something to look forward to.
In August, I received a letter from LA County saying that my application was accepted and that I was scheduled to take a test. Long story short, I passed the test and received a phone call for my interview.
She only asked me 5 questions, smiled, and took notes. Although I was nervous, I felt pretty confident about my answers. Those questions showed up on my NCLEX!
So here I am, waiting… for my physical, which could take a whole month. I had my badge picture taken and fingerprints recently.
Change is coming. They’re going to feel it.
The feeling I had 2 years ago – the last time I wrote on here is quite the opposite of what I’m feeling today.
Nursing… is not what I expected it to be… at least where I’m working at so far.
Although there are brief moments where I enjoy helping and talking to patients – making them happy, and letting them vent their feelings… the part that makes us human…
There are the critical parts such as treatment and medications for the various medical conditions that these patients could have.
Yes… I enjoy what I do!
The rundown:
All of which I don’t mind – it can be done.
MDS (Minimum Data Set) – “VIP of the facility” – I guess…
Now with this promotion, there’s a heavy amount of work that we do. Yes, there’s more of us…
The problem is:
I’m a charge nurse AND MDS – the difference between the two…
As a charge nurse, your work is done for the day. As MDS, your work is NOT done for the day – ever actually.
Good evening all ~ It’s been a very long time since my last post…
I honestly almost forgot that I had a blog until today. I can’t stress how much has changed. The amount of people I’ve lost contact with and the few that I’ve gotten close to recently.
Why this picture?
It’s the realest and most relaxed I’ve been.. happy even (after the twist and turn of events). This was the beginning of something different.
I started school again for LVN to hopefully bridge to RN. We shall see… I want to finish what I started and not doubt myself anymore.
At first, I was just visiting the school to inquire, but I ended up applying for the summer term. No more waiting around. So what did I do for those few months while waiting?
I filled out an application for a passport and left the country with a good friend of mine, whom I’m confused about at the moment..
Some time around March, we went to Mexico – Tijuana, La Bufadora, and Ensenada. It was not what I expected at all. I never imagined going to Mexico, after all the things my parents warned me about; trying to get me to change my mind about going. But I was curious… it’s a beautiful place.
In April, we made a spontaneous trip over to Vegas. I figured.. he should experience Vegas in his 20s at least once!
I met a lot of his family members in May when we went to San Felipe in Mexico. That was the most fun I’ve had in such a long time. Unforgettable.
June came too fast. Here I am in my second term and doing well so far. Two more terms to go then I get to take the NCLEX!
Working at my same job full time and school full time is tough… At times I feel like caving, but I keep reminders for myself so I don’t cave again.
I don’t have the same stress as I did a few years ago…
Pray for me~
I’ve been gone for almost half a year on WP! Good Morning/Evening to whoever~
A lot of people have come-and-gone these past few months. From coworkers to friends, they were great company, but we’ve all moved on for certain reasons. I haven’t withdrawn from old friends and it’s not that I’ve completely changed my lifestyle; I really haven’t. These days, I’ve just been craving for rest.
I still love nightlife, venturing out to do anything and everything at night. I still love writing and I write a few things every once in a while, but privately, in journals. I still love learning languages. In January, I held off on my Korean for a bit to focus on work, but somewhere around April, I couldn’t take it (not learning) so I started off again; a lot better this time. Being outdoors, wandering, relaxing at the park, hiking, etc. Everything I’ve always loved is still there, but… there’s just not enough time in a day.
Work consists of dealing with a lot of people M-F. I’d say roughly a little less than 100 people a day, that’s a lot. Who knew that could be tiring?
I’m in dire need of a deep tissue massage~
Off to work again. I may update tonight, tomorrow, in a few months? We’ll see…
Question to start off the year (I’ll admit, it’s not a positive one… I came home from work totally drained of energy and pissed off)
There have been several changes since my last post that I’ll be experiencing for the rest of this year and onward (I hope)
After working at this site, I realized that even though it’s not my main interest, I don’t mind the environment at all. The company that surrounds you is what usually influences you to make certain actions or change some ideas. It’s only been a month and I hit it off with a lot of my coworkers. I’ve never been surrounded by so many coworkers with awesome personalities before.
In just these few short weeks, so much has happened…
The big change that I kept talking about before… maybe this is just the start of it.
Who really knows?
This is a year of great opportunities and change.
It’s like I disappeared from the tech life altogether.
Okay… partially lying…
I’ve been lurking, but haven’t posted much, which is a miracle for me. I’ve actually been sleeping more; the after effect of working again.
I did some online shopping earlier this morning. No regrets because none of it is for me.
For such a long time, I haven’t given much to anyone because I never had enough. This time, I have a long list of people I want to give back to; a long list of people that deserve a treat for tolerating me for so long ♡
.:Lani's Summer in Rain 